Saturday, April 17, 2010

Oh it's what you do to me

"Maybe it's time to move on,
from everything you've held dear;
everything you weren't willing to let go."
So okay, i've said a few things I regret. I know that and if i could take it all back, I would, but I can't. It's been a rough couple of days...haha maybe you guys don't see how it has been,but i assure you I'm not like that for no reason. I don't think I ever was. It's sad, for me as well, seeing myself result to this, but I'm just happy that it's over. That relationship that has been constantly choking me, forcing me to supress my anger&sadness over and over..and I admit, it broke me. Nevertheless, no excuses. I'm sorry if what happened that night affected people, be it what I said...what I did...sigh. But I can't cry over spilled milk, can I? Hah, just gotta do what I can to salvage the situation. Perhaps distract myself with something else, something worthwhile..something for me. For once.
I'll just let people talk, let people jump to whatever conclusions they want to jump to. I think it's best I let them do that. I'm quite tired of explaining and yeah, i think you should know that I'm not that person. Or maybe you don't know that. Well, im telling you again then, I'm not. 2 days of alco-blabbering doesn't "reveal" anyones character. If you want to think that it does, then go ahead. I'm not gonna defend myself, just cause I don't need to. Mature or immature, it's subjective. You can base it on whatever you like i suppose, but it's not fair to question all you know just because of 2 lousy nights. 2 nights where I was pretty vulnerable, i didn't know what to do anymore. I made a huge mistake, and yeah I guess there are reasonably huge consequences that follow. I remember you telling me that I should be abit headstrong. Well, sorry to disappoint.
Sorry might not be able to fix the cracks but, it's still an apology. And it's still very much from my heart.
x

Friday, April 16, 2010

Face value

I don't know what else to say. Theres nothing more you can do to save this. I can't help you, be it with family your life....i've had quite enough.
I have to keep telling myself that I'm okay, that I can take this, cause i know I can. Being alone is good; I've gotten quite used to that now....Anyway, happy birthday adrian! he's probably lying on his bed, completely wasted hahaha. I feel like crap so shall be heading off to bed.
Goodnight people
xoxo




Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Blind

" I won't say I love you any less."

Monday, March 22, 2010

Light up

"I'm not scared."
Last week was quite a load of fun.
Spent a long-anticipated night out with the girls at MUSE, caught up with a few friends,met some new ones too!,went for a swim at the apartment& had a couple of random outings here and there. Sometimes you don't have to go overboard or do anything out of the ordinary to feel good about life again. It's about regaining momentum, putting yourself out there & really getting connected with the world around you. Might seem obvious,but there are times I lose myself in certain situations,deluding atmospheres...and when faced with reality, you stumble a little,struggle to keep balance, just hoping you don't fall flat on your face. But it's starting to get better now; best stay that way. There's not much I can elaborate on uni life, just that it has been relatively routined, apart from the occassional lunch-meetups and what not, still trying to find my place in the whole thing y'know. Zhe's birthday was an awesome kickstart to the week ahead,soon to be followed by swimming,dinners,catching-up etc etc. I have high expectations haha. I've got work tmr at 11, shall be bored to death once again without you* for company): Another thing to look forward to: Hefty paycheck! Nuh, im kidding, no where near hefty at all.
Well, let's all cross our fingers& hope the week doesn't disappoint.
Lots of love,
x



Saturday, March 13, 2010

I can't be that person you want me to be.
Sorry.

Beautiful disaster

It's been over 4 months since my last post.
Guess the idea of religiously blogging didn't quite sink in. Alot has been going on over the holidays, and I dare say it was good fun. You learn something about yourself everyday, the extents to which you would go to free yourself from what you've been confined to. A sense of liberation floods & overwhelmes your once secured and watchful barrier. One that was never easily swayed by temptation, lust,envy and most importantly, never swayed by the ones refered to as "men". Ah yes how they cleverly reel you in, test the waters with reserved determination,hastily grab you without warning,expose your insecurities, make you beg and crave and weep for their indecencies...and all this only to be looked upon with incredulous eyes. Unkind & judmental. & your once fiery heart that loved all there was to this creature gets torn up to pieces. Day by day burrying itself quicker and deeper into the soils of brokenness, each layer suppressing its dreadful murmurs...and soon it'll all be over. No more exaggerated heartbeats, no more hurt, no more hope.
Nothing.
All that 's left of you are the faint residues of yesterday, everything you were before you lost yourself. The wind gradually sweeps off the last traces of colour on your cheeks, subsequently drawing out the very last ounce of passion from your lips...And you wait, and wait, longing for the day someone would breathe life into your cold & paralyzed heart. Hoping that the vicious cycle wouldn't repeat itself.
We can all hope, cant' we?
x

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Leaving

I just don’t know if i wanna do it anymore,
get close to somebody so they can leave again.
Will be leaving in less than 10hours.
Wish i didn't have to go..It'll be 2010 when I get back.
New year,and hopefully a fresh start. I'm gonna miss all of you so much and you have literally no idea to what extent. Please pardon me if my egrish goes bad half-way through..it's 4am and it's been a fairly long day. I had so much fun though: New moon + Pancake Kitchen. Okay have to admit that the movie wasn't great but I guess the company kinda made up for it,Hah. Having abit of a quiet time now. Doing some reflection. The rollercoaster-ride of Year12 is finally over. The friends i've made, memories we've shared,times we've spent. Feeling a tiny wave of nostalgia. But I must say, past 2 weeks have been pretty amazing. I mean, the birthday party...(the presents,omg), movies,walks at the beach etc etc. This is gonna sound really cliche and oversaid but life is really full of surprises, and being in Adelaide sure does contribute to the often used term: small world. I actually am finding it hard to type stuff out. It's like words just aren't enough. Aren't enough to provoke sufficient emotion. But ofcourse you could always argue that my english isn't outstandingly competent. Okay what i'm trying to say is that I just..just,love you guys. so much. Another special shoutout to those bff's hahaha, extra love for you.
***
I've only known you so long. And yet, it's so hard to put a finger on how much i will actually be missing you. I don't think i've felt so whole before. I'm sure alot of people have the wrong impression by now, but you know what, it's not about them and it will never be. I can't think of a going through everyday without you being there for me. Just 2 weeks and i'm feeling all this. What more 80 years. Will you think of me the same? Would you still be there when i need you? Questions are begining to overwhelm me right now. I don't expect an answer though. I just want you to know my thoughts, want you to know how much you mean to me and how much i care. Abit cheesy but whatever. I am trying not to cry right now, but my eyes are brimming with tears...i can't help it.
Will miss you.
x

Monday, November 23, 2009

Unintentionally

Sometimes, it’s easier to say that you’re fine;
instead of having to explain all the reasons why
you’re not.
It's been awhile hasn't it..
Last time i posted something was pre-exam period:heart swelling with anxiety, nerves seemlingly choking every breath,hindering thoughts...yeah the whole enchilada. Now, post-exam, i'm sitting here, 23 days later, slightly hesitant about posting this entry. I'm sorry, i've just been so out of it. Out of blogging, out of thinking...i don't know, just everything really. I feel like i'm losing all form of motivation and focus. It's like, everyday just passes by with uncertainty, with an increasing and gradual drag. Juts typing this is making me feel heavy. I need something to be excited about. Something new, something worth my time, something that won't disappoint; cause i'm tired of being tired. In 2 days, i'll be leaving for Singapore. The once most anticipated day of the entire year has turned into...okay i didn't know where i was going with that. Point is, i don't seem to be looking forward at all.
Had my 16th birthday celebration on Thursday. Wouldn't say it was a huge success, but it did manage to come off as acceptable to say the very least. Wasn't particularly pleased with the way the night ended(refers to the minor accident which occured shortly after deparure) buttt, i did enjoy the impromptu decision to go to the beach? Okay, that kinda failed too but whatever! Sitting at the stairs with a bunch of friends....turned out to be...not as awkward as i imgained i guess, Haha. And my apologies for ruining the cocktails, might've bought the wrong mixing juice,teehee. I don't know, what else is there to say...Oh! a special special special thanks to everyone that attended and the presents were amazing. Although i must admit, "Viva la Juicy" was the most favourable gift of all. Should've taken more photos of the night. Pity i misplaced my camera :( i have yet again succeeded in making this entry an absolute and total fail. Forgive me again.
And if you're still mildy interested in what i'm about to say please continue reading or direct your cursor to the little red [x]
Kthx.
***
BFF
Oh man i love this Winnie the Pooh quote so much that i thought i'd share it with you guys:
"Promise you won't forget me, because if I thought you would, I'd never leave."
How insanely cute is that.
To write an actual description of what a best friend is would be almost impossible. They are like an invisible shadow, always there when you need them. At times you might feel alone, like that shadow has disappeared but really all you needed to do was to move closer, and there they'll be, just like they've always been. The expectations we have of a bestfriend may vary, but nonetheless considerably high. We expect them to stand by us no matter what the circumstances;we expect them to asnwer our calls at the most ridiculous and unearthly hours. We expect them to be there to console us; to provide a shoulder for us to cry on. Sometimes I ask myself if i'm too demanding of a friend to do all this for me. Am i worth it? Would I do the same for the other? I'm not sure. Guess we'll just have to find out.
x

Monday, November 2, 2009

Woop woop land

Procrastination: the root of all evil.

So again i've been at the computer for god knows how many hours...occasionally getting a drink,a snack,going to the loo.Yeah,i think my ass is getting bigger from all the late night snacking and sitting on this cusionless piece of junk from Ikea. Like i've mentioned on facebook,adelaide's weather is really going through pms right now, no joke. Think i might be getting sick...Exams are resuming again in a day or two,so unprepared. Shoot me.


Sunday, November 1, 2009

(M)

I want…a steady hand. A kind soul.
I want to fall asleep, and wake,
knowing my heart is safe. ”
Yes,i'm still alive. Past week has been quite routined. Trips to the library,late lunches,midnight facebook-ing etc. So much for the constructive use of time during swotvec. I'm so disappointed in myself, all i've done so far is flip through a couple of pages of my textbook and taken down some more or less useful notes.sigh.

Mon: Library

Tues: Home, Buffet at the Stanford

Weds: Library

failure of a movie night-FD3D.

Thursday:What did i do on thursday? I think i stayed home as well and did absolutely nothing.
Friday: Library(another attempt at legal)May+Nick, Late night shopping+dinner+karaoke with May+Shaine, missed the bus which resulted in the usual earful.
Saturday: Vivienne was over for some study but we ended up talking and sleeping. Then headed to may's place to escape the sweltering heat and to have a bowl of Bulla cookies&cream along with more sleep. 3 year 12 girls, wrapped up in a warm fluffy blanket(sweating,yes) and procrastinating. hah. Grabbed some food at sugarbowl and caught up with Simon after. Tired.
Sunday: Been here the entire day. Hi again.

***
I wish it was dark all the time, only with the faintest hint of light peeking out from behind the clouds. If there was a weather dial, i would pick cloudy for everyday of the week,month..maybe rest of the year. Don't you just love waking up every morning to grey skies and taking in the sweet smell of rain in the air while you bury yourself even further beneath the sheets,curled up into a ball cuddling your favourite stuffed animal,perhaps entangling your legs with that special someone.Well, that's how i like it. I'm not a huge fan of the sun to say the least. I dread stepping outside on a 30degree summer day,lugging a bag of books,waiting for the 143. The sun literally absorbs every bit of energy you have and uses it against you,forcing damp, salty moisture to permeate through your pores. Just thinking about it is enough to make your head feel heavy with exhaustion. Wouldn't it be nice(okay i couldnt find a more descriptive word,sue me)going to bed everynight,lying next to someone who you know would still be there in the morning no matter what. Head facing one another,eyes set on each other;as if the two of you were the only ones around..a soft whisper in your ear saying"I love you" or "Sweetdreams" is all it takes to flood you with the feeling of completion,of security. Not often will you come across a voice in the world that would make you feel at ease, diminish the knot of frustration and anxiety that eats you away with every breath. Someone who hears the vague,inconsistent murmurs of your heart while you slumber in a white zone of your imagination...
"Sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken. Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what. Maybe youll find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding, but theres also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you sometimes better than you know yourself is the same person whos been standing beside you all along."
x

Thursday, October 29, 2009

zero motivation level
>:/

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Time

"A boy and girl can be just friends,
but eventually one of them will fall for the other;
maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time,
maybe too late, or maybe, just maybe, forever."

Hi all, wasn't able to blog yesterday due to the overwhelming number of essays i had to write. Yay, i've completed 6 out of 9, all of which are due tomorrow..joy. Nearly finished my muck-up day dress, would post a picture but it's not done yet...If in case you were wondering, I am following suit with the super skanky/figure hugging/cleavage reavealing/cheerleader-esque design just because i can,teehee.

***
Anyways, I was in the car on my way home from school today when it hit me: How can we humans be so certain and uncertain all at once. We plan our lives so thoroughly, every minute detail,every moment, every outcome(at least i do), and yet in the face of adversity, we so easily allow our dreams to slip right through; our efforts become completely futile, and we are left but with the stray wisps of hope, dangling on the edges of our subconscience. All of a sudden, we feel that we no longer know the purpose of life or where we are headed. The road comes to a terrifying "dead end" and we are engulfed in a blanket of darkness, no longer driven by the passion and purpose within us. Rather we are maneuvered by the wants and needs of others, what society expects and demands of us and what our friends encourage us to be like. I'm sick and tired of conforming to the standards of others;gradually sinking into the pits of pseudo-happiness, never really content with what we possess or achieve. Then love comes along and sweeps you off your feet. Yes,love has an innate ability of showing up at the most ridiculous times. I really hate how it does that. Now not only are we entangled in a web of artificiality, but have been blinded by the fog of emotions that love clouds us with;yet we humans are so suscpetible to this. But at the end, the most crucial component still draws itself towards us: What do we really want, and how badly do we want it?
x

Monday, October 19, 2009

Bludge

" I guess you can say we are..
romantically entangled forever."

Decided to leave school at 12 today. If my memory still serves me well, this is the first bludge i've ever done. I don't feel as chirpy as usual and am even less motivated to blog today. So much for constant novel-long entries,haha. Been feeling exceptionally lethargic lately. Guess what, i have 9 essays to write in the span of 1 and a half days; anyone would feel shitty in my shoes. Ugh. I swear someone has been stealing/drinking all my OJ. It's not even funny. I had Viv over today for lunch(Shin Ramyun,mmm) so i thought i'd pour her my favourite/best ever orange juice. But no, it wasn't there. So angry*tries pulling an angry face and fails. Anyway, exams are in 4 days for me. Got a japanese oral on saturday...my god. I feel the nerves creeping up and have been trying to avoid it by taking super long granny naps,which really haven't been helping. Really gotta hit the books soon,very soon,okay, immediatly after this. Good luck to all you year12 peeps, 3 weeks and it'll all be over. In the words of Wacko Jacko: " This is it." haha so lame. Was gonna blog about something else today but..i.cannot.be.bothered.
x

P.S am thinking of making this blog private.
PP.S Yeah i really wanna go to the beach too :(

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Anything but nothing

I have nothing to say to any of you;
Call me whatever you want.
Say anything you like,
I don't give a fuck.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Blank

Saturday:Boring.Uneventful.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Hold back

"I'm crying without tears
I blew for you and shootin all the stars down
Cheating for a wish
It grows darker in my heart
This western sun is sinking
Like the choking in my throat
I'll be missing you
Will you miss me too?
Turning black and blue
Don't wanna go
Don't wanna go
Don't make it so
Theres a burning in the hour
Growing on forever
When I look at you
I find something thats new
All I want is you
Cross my heart and hope for it
I swear I won't forget you
I'll be missing you
Will you miss me too?
Turning black and blue
Don't wanna go
Don't wanna go
I believe in youAnd I believe in me too
So deep is this bruise
Don't wanna go
Don't wanna go
Don't make it so
We'll be alright
Cause the further we get
Is the fonder we grow
We both trust, right?
We'll be alright
Cause this distance is further tonight
I'll be missing you
Will you miss me too?"
x