Saturday, April 17, 2010

Oh it's what you do to me

"Maybe it's time to move on,
from everything you've held dear;
everything you weren't willing to let go."
So okay, i've said a few things I regret. I know that and if i could take it all back, I would, but I can't. It's been a rough couple of days...haha maybe you guys don't see how it has been,but i assure you I'm not like that for no reason. I don't think I ever was. It's sad, for me as well, seeing myself result to this, but I'm just happy that it's over. That relationship that has been constantly choking me, forcing me to supress my anger&sadness over and over..and I admit, it broke me. Nevertheless, no excuses. I'm sorry if what happened that night affected people, be it what I said...what I did...sigh. But I can't cry over spilled milk, can I? Hah, just gotta do what I can to salvage the situation. Perhaps distract myself with something else, something worthwhile..something for me. For once.
I'll just let people talk, let people jump to whatever conclusions they want to jump to. I think it's best I let them do that. I'm quite tired of explaining and yeah, i think you should know that I'm not that person. Or maybe you don't know that. Well, im telling you again then, I'm not. 2 days of alco-blabbering doesn't "reveal" anyones character. If you want to think that it does, then go ahead. I'm not gonna defend myself, just cause I don't need to. Mature or immature, it's subjective. You can base it on whatever you like i suppose, but it's not fair to question all you know just because of 2 lousy nights. 2 nights where I was pretty vulnerable, i didn't know what to do anymore. I made a huge mistake, and yeah I guess there are reasonably huge consequences that follow. I remember you telling me that I should be abit headstrong. Well, sorry to disappoint.
Sorry might not be able to fix the cracks but, it's still an apology. And it's still very much from my heart.
x

Friday, April 16, 2010

Face value

I don't know what else to say. Theres nothing more you can do to save this. I can't help you, be it with family your life....i've had quite enough.
I have to keep telling myself that I'm okay, that I can take this, cause i know I can. Being alone is good; I've gotten quite used to that now....Anyway, happy birthday adrian! he's probably lying on his bed, completely wasted hahaha. I feel like crap so shall be heading off to bed.
Goodnight people
xoxo




Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Blind

" I won't say I love you any less."

Monday, March 22, 2010

Light up

"I'm not scared."
Last week was quite a load of fun.
Spent a long-anticipated night out with the girls at MUSE, caught up with a few friends,met some new ones too!,went for a swim at the apartment& had a couple of random outings here and there. Sometimes you don't have to go overboard or do anything out of the ordinary to feel good about life again. It's about regaining momentum, putting yourself out there & really getting connected with the world around you. Might seem obvious,but there are times I lose myself in certain situations,deluding atmospheres...and when faced with reality, you stumble a little,struggle to keep balance, just hoping you don't fall flat on your face. But it's starting to get better now; best stay that way. There's not much I can elaborate on uni life, just that it has been relatively routined, apart from the occassional lunch-meetups and what not, still trying to find my place in the whole thing y'know. Zhe's birthday was an awesome kickstart to the week ahead,soon to be followed by swimming,dinners,catching-up etc etc. I have high expectations haha. I've got work tmr at 11, shall be bored to death once again without you* for company): Another thing to look forward to: Hefty paycheck! Nuh, im kidding, no where near hefty at all.
Well, let's all cross our fingers& hope the week doesn't disappoint.
Lots of love,
x



Saturday, March 13, 2010

I can't be that person you want me to be.
Sorry.

Beautiful disaster

It's been over 4 months since my last post.
Guess the idea of religiously blogging didn't quite sink in. Alot has been going on over the holidays, and I dare say it was good fun. You learn something about yourself everyday, the extents to which you would go to free yourself from what you've been confined to. A sense of liberation floods & overwhelmes your once secured and watchful barrier. One that was never easily swayed by temptation, lust,envy and most importantly, never swayed by the ones refered to as "men". Ah yes how they cleverly reel you in, test the waters with reserved determination,hastily grab you without warning,expose your insecurities, make you beg and crave and weep for their indecencies...and all this only to be looked upon with incredulous eyes. Unkind & judmental. & your once fiery heart that loved all there was to this creature gets torn up to pieces. Day by day burrying itself quicker and deeper into the soils of brokenness, each layer suppressing its dreadful murmurs...and soon it'll all be over. No more exaggerated heartbeats, no more hurt, no more hope.
Nothing.
All that 's left of you are the faint residues of yesterday, everything you were before you lost yourself. The wind gradually sweeps off the last traces of colour on your cheeks, subsequently drawing out the very last ounce of passion from your lips...And you wait, and wait, longing for the day someone would breathe life into your cold & paralyzed heart. Hoping that the vicious cycle wouldn't repeat itself.
We can all hope, cant' we?
x